Did you know that I'm pretty silly?

ha.

I'm kind of contradictory sometimes too. Of course, there are times when I do it just to be silly in a good way and joke around, but there are other times where I'm just...ridiculous. I know what I believe, and I'll even write long blogs about them or passionately share them with someone, and yet - I still fall into the patterns I'm preaching against.

Which is okay. You are what you hate, right?

When I say "okay," I mean because I'm a human, it's okay because I kind of have no way around making mistakes and not being perfect. It's kind of just part of life.

And, yes, of course I'm not condoning keeping on doing things and just accepting them as life. I want to be the best I can be at everything I do. But I can take things too far or not far enough or just mess up.

SO it's not really messing up, it's just funny to me, I guess. I think a lot of the times when I do something sort of ridiculous and selfish, that after the fact, it's sort of funny. Just because it's like "Why in the world did you do this?"

Because it's always the same. Life is never really that hard. I have feelings that seem to come from nowhere, and they usually just come from myself craving attention or being selfish or just dumb. I forget who God really is, how he loves me unconditionally. Sometimes that's hard to see, I think, because in life, so much of love is performance-based.

And, I know it pretty much always will be. We can learn from God and ask for his love in our lives and seek that in our life as much as possible, but we're human. We can never love perfectly like God.

So, I've been feeling sort of funny, on and off for the past few weeks. A couple people have pointed it out to me, that I'm just...not myself at times. And I know. But it's really just that I'm too focused on myself. It usually comes down to that, doesn't it? That God is God and I'm just me forgetting that I need him for everything and I don't need to worry about anything really. I just need to seek him and live for him, and do what I'm supposed to do day to day. Plus, I think I'm a little anxious about things, anxious about leaving all the things I know and moving on. And the things that stress me out are other people and conflict, and I've had a bit more of that than usual lately.

I don't know if any of these thoughts are tying in with each other, I'm just writing, as I tend to do.

Jeremy usually helps me see these things better. I tend to get kind of silly for just no good reason sometimes. I think I know it when I'm like that, I just need a reality check and to get refocused. I love Jeremy a lot. ha ha. What does that even mean? What is loving a lot? Right now, it's not nearly enough. I want to walk in love, and that means not only in my relationship with him, but everyone. Jeremy is very straightforward and I love that about him, because I'm not always. I try to be, I'm just not always that good at collecting all my thoughts and getting to the point. And on the way, I say a whole bunch of silly stuff that doesn't make any sense and usually I don't always think, and it's just ridiculous. So I'm glad I'm getting better at that. Better at not letting the way I feel at that very moment change what I think. ha. Because that doesn't make any sense. But I'm learning. ha. I just need someone who will talk and tell me all the things that they know I know - or what I need to know - and I need to just be quiet and listen and think and get over things. And that's what he does for me. Among a lot of other things too :)

It's always fun to see who you are and where you're going and who you're being made to be. I love to see change in my life, and it's really a joy to see it in other people's lives, to be a part of it. You learn from them and they learn from you. It's something I really look forward to. But I forget that I can look forward to it all the time! Every single day I can learn something new and apply it to my life.

I think of something Debbi has told me a few times, about living in the mundane. Just doing the normal things day to day without losing sight of the big picture. Wherever you are, God can use you. Of course, there are times when he places a definite calling on your life to go somewhere and do something specific, but even if it doesn't seem like that, he still wants to use you where you are, even if it seems normal. Normal is not boring.

ha. It's just funny. You can always make up for these things. If one thing is hard for me to do, I just need to ask God for help. Why do I try and do so much and figure out so much on my own? It's soooo pointless!


So anyway. I have two more days of work, and then Friday I'm leaving for camp, and I'm excited about that! Then it's a week of VBS and packing, and I'm moving in July. CRAZY! huh?
It'll be good though. Just a little change. Something I kind of realized is that if I wouldn't be happy staying here and doing just "normal" things this year in the same area, I'm not going to be any happier going somewhere else and doing "normal" things this year either. Either way I should still be happy, because ultimately, my happiness must come from God and doing what he wants me to do. If he didn't want me to move and go to school, I wouldn't feel right about it. But this is what I want to do, because I think it's what God wants me to do too. And I love that feeling of peace that I get. I should be seeking that in every little decision I make.


ha this got supa long. Why do I always do that? I need to leave for work pretty soon.

-rebecca