I'm sick.

I was writing an email to a friend and started ranting and complaining, and then I decided that instead I would vent here.

I got sick on Christmas morning. You know how if people know you're sick they're always asking you, "Are you feeling any better?" And you don't want to sound negative so you always say "Yeah, a little" even if you don't. Well, I'm probably going to keep saying that, but inside I'm really saying "NO, I FEEL WORSE WITH EVERY PASSING MOMENT, AND I'M COMPLETELY SICK OF BEING SICK!!!!! AAAAGGGHHH!!!!!!" I really hate missing work. I feel irresponsible. Even though I know I can't help it, and I know I shouldn't go in to work and infect people anyway, I feel like somehow I could manage if I made myself.

I tried today. I thought positive and everything. I was like "Hey, I feel better, right? That's what I've been telling everyone for the past three days, right? I'll go to work, put in a solid six hours or so, and for the rest of the week I'll come in early and stay late and come in on Saturday or whatever!" I was all motivated.

I went into work. I "worked" for maybe an hour before I decided that nothing was being accomplished no matter how hard I tried. So I went home. I was assured that it was okay, but it's NOT okay! I don't LIKE BEING SICK!

At first it was like "Okay, I never get sick real bad, so I guess I'll let it run its course now." But ugh. It's been three days. That is way too long. I know I have no patience. Maybe this is me learning how to get more patience, and how to see how long I can not work and still stay stable in my job and my finances, and be BORED all day! Honestly, I like to read, but not all day.

It's 11:30 now. I laid in bed for, I don't know, three hours? Probably less, but it felt like over three hours, and three was kind of generous for what it felt like. Every time I laid down I felt like I was going to throw up. Oh, and on Christmas I did throw up.

But I'm not bedridden or anything. Oh, and did I mention, I have a good appetite, maybe even better than usual because I eat when I'm bored and I'm bored more now. I ate a full mashed potato and ham dinner on Christmas. Why, if I feel so nauseous all the time, am I eating so much? And if I'm eating so much, why am I so fatigued that walking a short distance leaves me gasping?

This was obviously a post just for ranting. I'm kind of tired now, so I'll attempt sleep again. I'm kind of hungry but I always get hungry when I stay up till midnight. I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow.

Whenever I'm sick or have something wrong with me, it always makes me feel better if it's confirmed by a professional. Not something serious, just something that proves I was right. A couple months ago, my shoulder started hurting at work, and it became kind of unbearable. I didn't want to leave early for the lame excuse that "my shoulder hurts", but I also found it very difficult to continue working. And I thought that maybe I was thinking about it too much, and that's why it hurt. You know sometimes when you think too much about a small pain it becomes a big, unignorable deal?

But I did leave work early that day, and lo and behold, I had injured my shoulder! All official and stuff. I couldn't lift boxes and I had to use ice and everything. I mean, I'm not happy I got injured, but I am glad my whining wasn't just me being a wimp.

So it is in this case. It's funny, I can't exactly remember what it feels like to not have this nausea, so now I'm second guessing myself and saying "you're just thinking about it too much, that's why you're still sick, if you'd just get over it you'd be fine" and I'm hoping the doctor will at least say "Oh, you have this not severe thing. Take this pill and everything will be fine." And then I can say, "Yes, I was sick with this, but now I'm better" instead of "Well, the doctor said I should wait five more months and if it doesn't go away, to just shoot myself."

Haha, I made myself chuckle. Okay, I'm really going to bed now. My eyes are actually drooping.